And Continue

That might have been the most craziest two weeks of my life. I kind of say that a lot, but this time I honestly mean it. These weeks were insane. Emotionally and physically. I did everything I could to see everyone. Turns out this was just the tip of the iceberg. I am so grateful for everyone in Holland. I didn't even knew that you all were there. I know you all are important to me, but for some reason I though I wasn't for you. Sorry for thinking that. I have seen so many happy faces by seeing my face. That boost a lot of happy feelings up in me. I've even had people crying because I could actually hug them instead of calling, Skyping or texting. It's incredible, that my mom cried wasn't a surprise for me, but the fact that she wasn't the only one means a lot. What it means, not a clue. I think I somewhere, some who turend out to be a good friend! Mission accomplished!

My Oma's funeral was really pretty and I got the courage to speak. That is the only thing I want to tell about it here. Just because I don't need to share everything. It sometimes seems to look like I do share everything. This one is just for me, my family and everyone who came to say goodbye to my Oma.

And than it was time to go home again. I remember getting anxious right before I left to go to New York. Back then I was so excited to go and I was just being anxious for the unknown. Now, I knew exactly what was waiting for me and I still did not want to go.That was only because I was so sad to leave again. To go trough the pain again of saying goodbye. The last two days I didn't even wanted to leave the house anymore. At the same time I was getting really nervous of not doing anything. I was confusing myself badly. The fact was that I was still doing a lot, but I wanted everyone to come to me. Luckily enough are the people around me the best and most sweetest persons on earth and everyone understood the situation. 

Coming back to Holland wasn't fun, but it was still the greatest gift. I pinched myself multiple times. Once eve just hearing my moms voice made me cry. It was the first morning being back home. I was still in bed, waking up and she was on the phone with someone. She wasn't even talking to me, but I cried and I was letting it all sink in. That moment, her voice in the distance, like nothing changed. A lot of people asked me how hard it is to go back home and especially going away again. It was hard and the circumstances were even harder. But I knew one really important thing; I was  going back to the USA to finish this adventure. That kept me up. I was so mad on the airport flying to DC. One man that works on the airport smiled friendly at me. I wanted to hit him really hard. In no near future was I going to appreciate him doing his job. I was mad at him, he was staying in Holland and he was probably not enjoying every second of it. Only if he did I could have smiled back, but probably not. I was furious. It took me a while to overcome that. I was such a childish child. It ended when I walked in my room and laid on my bed. I texted my family: "I'm home, had a great flight" That said it all. I was home. I have multiple homes now. 

It was the an other gift of the trip. My realization what an awesome time I'm having right now. And it is sometimes is really hard to realize that. If the girls are driving me crazy, what happens sometimes. I get frustrated and a need to find that realization. Count to 10 and there it is. Or when my alarm clock goes off. No matter what, that's simply not a moment to enjoy. I do not, I repeat, do NOT like mornings. Fun fact, these three kids don't either. Makes waking them up a great thing, um not. haha. But that's life, my life. I love it. And I do realize it. Picking them up mostly makes me realize it. Seeing them after having some time for myself. They are happy to see me and that is great. I love to tuck the youngest in. She asks me for a might night kiss and loves to sing a song. 

This evening I was off. I was in my room and I heard a little voice. She was still up while she was in her bed for over an hour. I opened her door and there she was, wide awake. In her bed, still up, talking to herself. A face of a guilty girl looking at me. "hi, Nienke" "come go sleep it's past you bed time" and I walked away while I kept her door open. She looked and me and I signed her that I was watching her. She loved to fool around. So she gave me the sign back. Not much later she walked towards me. She had covered herself with her blanket struggling to walk straight, walking into the doorpost, my side table and at the end finally me. I was trying not to laugh, but I couldn't keep it in. She made a little notch and her big brown eyes appeared. "Nienke can you tuck me in?" I was melting from the inside. THAT WAS ADORABLE, "Yes, I'll tuck you in if you go to sleep" Not even a minute after I tucked her in she was gone, fast asleep. 

So little extra story for you. I love these girls so yes I'm happy to be back. I knew from the second I left that I was coming back. That is how I did it. One simple thought. I was mad, sad, furious and whatever more. I was going anyway. I was fighting from the inside, but I knew from day one who was going to win. And had no jet leg what is still great. Going to Holland I had some struggles staying up after being up for over 30hours, but that was it. Being here in the USA, falling asleep at 8:30pm the first night and waking up BECAUSE OF MY ALARM, hi I still hate that moment. That was 7am and I did not wake up anytime earlier. Day two and my jet leg was nowhere to be found,  I won. I'm emotionally really tired, exhausted. Though I am doing fine, I am doing better than I expected. These weeks have gotten me up and down. Been really low, but than I saw my mom and I could hug her. I could give her an actual kiss and I could hold her tight. That ment the world to me. Wish I could still do that now. 

I am back and I will stay here for now on. No more trips to Holland until the real return please. I was great to be back. Thanks for holding me tight if you did. Thanks for laughing with me when I needed and Thanks for wiping my tears of my cheeks. Nothing has changed while everything is different. Thanks for letting me share my adventure with you and thanks for you telling me yours I missed.  I'll come back, I promise. For now I am living a crazy adventure and that is what I want the most. Thanks.  

Home

It is unreal that I am home. That my mom is sitting next to me while I write this blog. That my cat is putting his nails into my legs, that I hear my brother whistling and my that my sister is getting ready for bed upstairs. It is a unreal time. 

Being home whilst this adventure is such a strange thing. I just don't get it. Everything I do feels like a treasure. Every message feels like a warm blanket around my heart. I never asked to come home because I knew that I could life without it. But now I got it back it might be harder than before to let it go. 

My sweet, sweet Oma passed away on the 4th of July 2014. Surrounded by the ones who loved her and I was one of them. I was in time to talk to her. To thank her and to hold her close. I sat next to her multiple times. She squeezed my hand and tickled the inside of it. An other time she grabbed my hand and laid my hand on her heart while stil holding it. I felt her heartbeat. I felt it like never before. Right now I wish I could do that again. 

On a day that I was suppose to celebrate the Birthday of the USA I was with my Oma. She is a hero, right before she passed away she talked to every single person that was there. My mom, aunt, uncle, my cousins, my siblings and me. Everyone got the most personal little talk. She told me to love everyplace I will live. That is doesn't matter were I end up. I was free to go wherever, whenever. That she was proud of me forever. Than she smiled at me and I thanked her for bringing me home. She started her journey. I secretly hope she stopped by the USA to watch all the fireworks. I miss her so much. I just want her to open her eyes and look at me again. I want to listen to her beautiful stories and I wish I could tell her all of mine. 

I am home. This week was super intense and I do more than I actually can. Days feel longer and I try to see everyone. I make the most out of the time I got. My emotions are all over the place. I have cried, sadly enough, every single day, but I haven't laughed this hard in a long time either. All my loved once around me all the time. It is more than I could have asked for. 

If you ask me how I am doing. I am doing good. Holland and a specially Haarlem and Vogelenzang are home. That will never change. I feel great being here, but I wish it was for a different reason. And at the same time I know that I am ready to finish my year over in Virgina. I am going to make even more out of the days that I will be here in Holland. If I didn't already know, I would have known it by now. I have the most amazing and caring friends. In Holland and all over the world. Every messages means so much to me and I hope that you all know that I love you a lot. 

It is a unreal world sometimes. I will take all of the good out of something sad. This is be best gift I could have get. My Oma's best and last gift and I will always thank her for it.