The moment I stept in the train to Washington was way thougher than I thought it would be. I had a overwhelming feeling that I didn't want to leave. New York had stole my hart and now, I was leaving that city I loved.
But within a few seconds I realized that this was just for now. I was coming back to New York as soon as the weather was going to be better and in June my dad and sister are coming to New York so I'll be back.
I am in the states for over 3 months but I hadn't seen more than New York City and Long Island. So I was pretty excited to finally see more of the country. but in all honesty, haven't seen a lot during the train ride. I was up that morning at 4am and did not went to bed early that night before so I was pretty exhausted. I snoozed most of the time while being on the train. I kind of saw the sunrise but haven't really seen more. Newark, Philadelphia, Baltimore and then there was Washington DC.
A new adventure about to start. For me it feels more like a continue of my adventure. Yes I started a new part but my adventure never ended. The plus side of breaking down is the part you climb back up. Because right now it feels like I'm on top of a mountain and I take every second to enjoy the view.
Washington gave me my dream back. I met my new host dad at the train station and we drove trough the city. He showed me the capitol, the White House, the Washington monument and the Lincon monument. He told me a lot about all the museums around the mall. I was enjoying the city that gave me a new feeling. A feeling like being in Europe. New York is all built up. Then I mean up, up. All the skyscrapers, one is bigger than the other. In Washington they aren't allowed to have buildings that are taller than the Washington monument. It feels like being Europe. It doesn't look like Amsterdam or any other Dutch city but it kind of looks like Oslo. Let Oslo have a special place in my heart. In particular my sisters hart, who lived there for half a year. So I'm pretty excited to explore this city.
But I didn't move to Washington DC, I moved to Virginia. I live in a town basically next to the city. How cool I thought it was to live in New York, Virginia sounds so much more American to me. It's weird but I gives me more the feeling I was looking forward to when I was dreaming about being an au-pair. It sounds more cow boyish. That is the most accurate explanation I can give you about the feeling it gives me.
It's amazing here. I'm so happy and proud that I decided to do this. The place I'm now it between two parks and the metro to DC is a 10 min walk. Also the weather is getting better. You can feel that spring is in the air. Although it suppose to snow tomorrow, but lets forget about that. I've been playing outside with the girls a lot and I already did a lot more fun activities that I did in New York with the family. I still have to learn a lot. I am here for a couple of days now and the day is totally different.
But it feels like home. It feels like a safe haven and like a place to go when I just want to feel good. My host mom is so sweet and she explains everything very clear. It's a lot but I think I get most of it. I'm also back on the road. I drove for the first time again yesterday. It feels good and yes driving a automatic car is so much better. I can totally cut my left foot off. It feels strange not using that foot but I'll get used to that. The girls are so sweet. Some things that the girls do or have are taking me back to my childhood. A simple thing as a pyjama dress, what I used to love when I was a little girl or playing school. It makes me smile to see them, living that childhood you loved.
I'm going to make these months as good as possible and the first days of it were pretty good. Reliving my honeymoon period and I have no problems with that!
Sunday 16 March 2014
Monday 10 March 2014
It All Changed
In February I probably had one of the toughest times since a long time. It actually shocked me that I didn't blog at all. I love writing and I love sharing stories. But sometimes you just don't want to be to personal. The month was so long and felt like I took ages. While it is actually the shortest one of the year. Looking back at that month I just can't remember a lot of it.
The month started with the Polar Bear plunch and the Super Bowl. That was so American that I couldn't understand one single thing of it. Soon after that my Hostmom had to leave for a couple of days for a family emergency. Although it was way tougher for her. I couldn't get up with the things I had to do. It wasn't that I needed to do a lot more. Just a little. But apparently it was a little bit to much.
From that moment, I just can't remember anything. Except from a conversation with my host parents and my local coordinator. We decided to go in transition.
Transition basically means that you have two weeks to find a new family. The family and I decided that together. I don't really know how to explain it because I don't want to tell to much. I can't say that I had a hard time working but the circumstances were not working out for me and not for them. So at the end of February it was too much. It's weird because, yes I went in rematch, but no there was no fight or whatever. I've heard worse stories from girls in rematch. I've never felt rejected or sent away by the family and there is never been a fight. It just didn't work out for us, together.
The two weeks might have been one of the thoughts weeks of my life so far. If there was no match at the end of those weeks I had to go home. Back to Holland, adventure over! I've never felt more insecure. You can be insecure about a lot of thing; about the way you look, talk or think. But I was extremely insecure about my dream. Was this what I wanted. Did I made this dream up. Was this what I really wanted? Not only that was super though to go through because it was and still is. The fact that I didn't knew were I was going to be in 14 days broke me down. In those 14 nights I've been sleeping properly maybe 5 times. And only because I was so exhausted from being up all night, the night before. Sometimes I started crying out of nowhere while playing with the kids. My nerves were super tensed for the whole two weeks. My hand, back and shoulder did hurt badly. Actually all my nerves were tensed. I was been able the wake up in the middle of the night and than I would break down. Crying and being scared. Wishing to know were I was scared of. Wishing there was a monster in my closet that jumped out of there and that all of this was over. But that was not were I was scared of. Honestly I didn't even knew were I was scared of.
There were some families but I didn't work out for them or for me. Friday, only 3 days in transition left, and there was still no match. I knew I was going to go home. Every moment I was alone I started crying and breaking down. The pain I felt seeing my dream break in several pieces was enormous. In the mean time my body had been in the tense circumstances for almost two weeks and I was exhausted and felt weak. I couldn't fight anymore and I didn't knew how to explain it to everyone. How was I been able to step in the airplane and arrive in Amsterdam with this story. I failed.
Friday 4pm and I was done working so I opened my laptop to see if I got a mail. I can't remember checking my e-mail that many times on a day as I did back then. Refreshing every 10 minutes. I had to get a mail, I needed it and I did. There was an e-mail. It said that there was a family interested and that this was the last possible family. So it basically meant that if this family didn't like me or I didn't like them,I had to go home.
So I got in contact with them and they liked me and I liked them. What do I tell here? I don't even know. I was in the middle of a huge breakdown. I was not been able to go from the bottom to the top in a few minutes. The way I felt back then was awful. I had to go through a lot of crap and being happy just didn't existed in my dictionary at that moment. But from the inside there grew a little joy, but it grew slowly. So on saturday that little joy was still a little bit to little. Skyping with basically everyone I needed. Ending one conversation and starting a new one. That little joy needed to grow. My face was totally screwed by crying, but chin up and go. I had to work and I started to make lists. I might not be clear but at this moment I wanted to go home. I wanted it, because I had such a hard time that I needed my parents to huge me, my sister to tell me I was strong and my brother to tell me that I was a loser, or maybe not. Maybe I just wanted to see him being even taller than he already was. I needed my friends to have a laugh with and I needed a big glass of wine. What I am not allowed to to drink here. So I started to make a list with pros and cons. Of course everyone was right and that list made it all clear. It made clear why I came. I made that little joy grow and finally that little joy was big. I made the decision to totally go for it. Because that was what I wanted. My family and friends, and that glass of wine, will be there for me. But it could wait.
Once again I learnt a lot about myself. Honestly, I knew all of this were parts of me. I just found out that those things were actually in my way. I needed to control them better. I am no longer a little girl. I had to fight against them. I am the only one who is been able to make 'me' a better person.
So here I am. Skipped a lot of all that happend. I am finally been able to explain it all. I have been quiet for a month and I am sorry about that. I didn't want to upload a sad blog. Although most of what I wrote it pretty bad. It is over. The transition is over.
The last family and I matched. We matched in my last day in transition. I've packed my bags and I'm about to leave Merrick. Tomorrow I'll take the train to Washington DC. My adventure starts all over again. After three months I'll be ending this one. These months have been a huge lesson and I'll never forget them. The family and I might have not been the perfect match but I am thankful. They gave me opportunity to come and live with them. So if you read this because you might be curious what I wrote about you. I will not write anything bad about you and your boys. I am going to miss them and I hope they will develop in the smart boys they start to be.
I don't want to cry anymore but it tears my put when I think about all the support I've got. Not only my family and friends. Everyone helped my or at least tried to. Everyone in InterExchange who sent their LC a message, you truly are an amazing human being. For you it might be normal to help someone out. For my you are a hero. I might have felt bad but the amount of support was huge. It kept me strong without noticing.
Never do I want anyone to get trough this. If you are, try to be stronger than I was. That might be the thing that I want to tell to myself, two weeks ago. To the once who are, and sadly I do know some, YOU ARE STRONG AND IT WILL ONLY GET BETTER. Yes, everyone told me that but I didn't believe it. SO PLEASE BELIEVE ME, YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT
I'll update you a bit more this time, I'll promise that. Thanks!
Transition basically means that you have two weeks to find a new family. The family and I decided that together. I don't really know how to explain it because I don't want to tell to much. I can't say that I had a hard time working but the circumstances were not working out for me and not for them. So at the end of February it was too much. It's weird because, yes I went in rematch, but no there was no fight or whatever. I've heard worse stories from girls in rematch. I've never felt rejected or sent away by the family and there is never been a fight. It just didn't work out for us, together.
The two weeks might have been one of the thoughts weeks of my life so far. If there was no match at the end of those weeks I had to go home. Back to Holland, adventure over! I've never felt more insecure. You can be insecure about a lot of thing; about the way you look, talk or think. But I was extremely insecure about my dream. Was this what I wanted. Did I made this dream up. Was this what I really wanted? Not only that was super though to go through because it was and still is. The fact that I didn't knew were I was going to be in 14 days broke me down. In those 14 nights I've been sleeping properly maybe 5 times. And only because I was so exhausted from being up all night, the night before. Sometimes I started crying out of nowhere while playing with the kids. My nerves were super tensed for the whole two weeks. My hand, back and shoulder did hurt badly. Actually all my nerves were tensed. I was been able the wake up in the middle of the night and than I would break down. Crying and being scared. Wishing to know were I was scared of. Wishing there was a monster in my closet that jumped out of there and that all of this was over. But that was not were I was scared of. Honestly I didn't even knew were I was scared of.
There were some families but I didn't work out for them or for me. Friday, only 3 days in transition left, and there was still no match. I knew I was going to go home. Every moment I was alone I started crying and breaking down. The pain I felt seeing my dream break in several pieces was enormous. In the mean time my body had been in the tense circumstances for almost two weeks and I was exhausted and felt weak. I couldn't fight anymore and I didn't knew how to explain it to everyone. How was I been able to step in the airplane and arrive in Amsterdam with this story. I failed.
Friday 4pm and I was done working so I opened my laptop to see if I got a mail. I can't remember checking my e-mail that many times on a day as I did back then. Refreshing every 10 minutes. I had to get a mail, I needed it and I did. There was an e-mail. It said that there was a family interested and that this was the last possible family. So it basically meant that if this family didn't like me or I didn't like them,I had to go home.
So I got in contact with them and they liked me and I liked them. What do I tell here? I don't even know. I was in the middle of a huge breakdown. I was not been able to go from the bottom to the top in a few minutes. The way I felt back then was awful. I had to go through a lot of crap and being happy just didn't existed in my dictionary at that moment. But from the inside there grew a little joy, but it grew slowly. So on saturday that little joy was still a little bit to little. Skyping with basically everyone I needed. Ending one conversation and starting a new one. That little joy needed to grow. My face was totally screwed by crying, but chin up and go. I had to work and I started to make lists. I might not be clear but at this moment I wanted to go home. I wanted it, because I had such a hard time that I needed my parents to huge me, my sister to tell me I was strong and my brother to tell me that I was a loser, or maybe not. Maybe I just wanted to see him being even taller than he already was. I needed my friends to have a laugh with and I needed a big glass of wine. What I am not allowed to to drink here. So I started to make a list with pros and cons. Of course everyone was right and that list made it all clear. It made clear why I came. I made that little joy grow and finally that little joy was big. I made the decision to totally go for it. Because that was what I wanted. My family and friends, and that glass of wine, will be there for me. But it could wait.
Once again I learnt a lot about myself. Honestly, I knew all of this were parts of me. I just found out that those things were actually in my way. I needed to control them better. I am no longer a little girl. I had to fight against them. I am the only one who is been able to make 'me' a better person.
So here I am. Skipped a lot of all that happend. I am finally been able to explain it all. I have been quiet for a month and I am sorry about that. I didn't want to upload a sad blog. Although most of what I wrote it pretty bad. It is over. The transition is over.
The last family and I matched. We matched in my last day in transition. I've packed my bags and I'm about to leave Merrick. Tomorrow I'll take the train to Washington DC. My adventure starts all over again. After three months I'll be ending this one. These months have been a huge lesson and I'll never forget them. The family and I might have not been the perfect match but I am thankful. They gave me opportunity to come and live with them. So if you read this because you might be curious what I wrote about you. I will not write anything bad about you and your boys. I am going to miss them and I hope they will develop in the smart boys they start to be.
I don't want to cry anymore but it tears my put when I think about all the support I've got. Not only my family and friends. Everyone helped my or at least tried to. Everyone in InterExchange who sent their LC a message, you truly are an amazing human being. For you it might be normal to help someone out. For my you are a hero. I might have felt bad but the amount of support was huge. It kept me strong without noticing.
Never do I want anyone to get trough this. If you are, try to be stronger than I was. That might be the thing that I want to tell to myself, two weeks ago. To the once who are, and sadly I do know some, YOU ARE STRONG AND IT WILL ONLY GET BETTER. Yes, everyone told me that but I didn't believe it. SO PLEASE BELIEVE ME, YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT
I'll update you a bit more this time, I'll promise that. Thanks!
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