The month started with the Polar Bear plunch and the Super Bowl. That was so American that I couldn't understand one single thing of it. Soon after that my Hostmom had to leave for a couple of days for a family emergency. Although it was way tougher for her. I couldn't get up with the things I had to do. It wasn't that I needed to do a lot more. Just a little. But apparently it was a little bit to much.
From that moment, I just can't remember anything. Except from a conversation with my host parents and my local coordinator. We decided to go in transition.
Transition basically means that you have two weeks to find a new family. The family and I decided that together. I don't really know how to explain it because I don't want to tell to much. I can't say that I had a hard time working but the circumstances were not working out for me and not for them. So at the end of February it was too much. It's weird because, yes I went in rematch, but no there was no fight or whatever. I've heard worse stories from girls in rematch. I've never felt rejected or sent away by the family and there is never been a fight. It just didn't work out for us, together.
The two weeks might have been one of the thoughts weeks of my life so far. If there was no match at the end of those weeks I had to go home. Back to Holland, adventure over! I've never felt more insecure. You can be insecure about a lot of thing; about the way you look, talk or think. But I was extremely insecure about my dream. Was this what I wanted. Did I made this dream up. Was this what I really wanted? Not only that was super though to go through because it was and still is. The fact that I didn't knew were I was going to be in 14 days broke me down. In those 14 nights I've been sleeping properly maybe 5 times. And only because I was so exhausted from being up all night, the night before. Sometimes I started crying out of nowhere while playing with the kids. My nerves were super tensed for the whole two weeks. My hand, back and shoulder did hurt badly. Actually all my nerves were tensed. I was been able the wake up in the middle of the night and than I would break down. Crying and being scared. Wishing to know were I was scared of. Wishing there was a monster in my closet that jumped out of there and that all of this was over. But that was not were I was scared of. Honestly I didn't even knew were I was scared of.
There were some families but I didn't work out for them or for me. Friday, only 3 days in transition left, and there was still no match. I knew I was going to go home. Every moment I was alone I started crying and breaking down. The pain I felt seeing my dream break in several pieces was enormous. In the mean time my body had been in the tense circumstances for almost two weeks and I was exhausted and felt weak. I couldn't fight anymore and I didn't knew how to explain it to everyone. How was I been able to step in the airplane and arrive in Amsterdam with this story. I failed.
Friday 4pm and I was done working so I opened my laptop to see if I got a mail. I can't remember checking my e-mail that many times on a day as I did back then. Refreshing every 10 minutes. I had to get a mail, I needed it and I did. There was an e-mail. It said that there was a family interested and that this was the last possible family. So it basically meant that if this family didn't like me or I didn't like them,I had to go home.
So I got in contact with them and they liked me and I liked them. What do I tell here? I don't even know. I was in the middle of a huge breakdown. I was not been able to go from the bottom to the top in a few minutes. The way I felt back then was awful. I had to go through a lot of crap and being happy just didn't existed in my dictionary at that moment. But from the inside there grew a little joy, but it grew slowly. So on saturday that little joy was still a little bit to little. Skyping with basically everyone I needed. Ending one conversation and starting a new one. That little joy needed to grow. My face was totally screwed by crying, but chin up and go. I had to work and I started to make lists. I might not be clear but at this moment I wanted to go home. I wanted it, because I had such a hard time that I needed my parents to huge me, my sister to tell me I was strong and my brother to tell me that I was a loser, or maybe not. Maybe I just wanted to see him being even taller than he already was. I needed my friends to have a laugh with and I needed a big glass of wine. What I am not allowed to to drink here. So I started to make a list with pros and cons. Of course everyone was right and that list made it all clear. It made clear why I came. I made that little joy grow and finally that little joy was big. I made the decision to totally go for it. Because that was what I wanted. My family and friends, and that glass of wine, will be there for me. But it could wait.
Once again I learnt a lot about myself. Honestly, I knew all of this were parts of me. I just found out that those things were actually in my way. I needed to control them better. I am no longer a little girl. I had to fight against them. I am the only one who is been able to make 'me' a better person.
So here I am. Skipped a lot of all that happend. I am finally been able to explain it all. I have been quiet for a month and I am sorry about that. I didn't want to upload a sad blog. Although most of what I wrote it pretty bad. It is over. The transition is over.
The last family and I matched. We matched in my last day in transition. I've packed my bags and I'm about to leave Merrick. Tomorrow I'll take the train to Washington DC. My adventure starts all over again. After three months I'll be ending this one. These months have been a huge lesson and I'll never forget them. The family and I might have not been the perfect match but I am thankful. They gave me opportunity to come and live with them. So if you read this because you might be curious what I wrote about you. I will not write anything bad about you and your boys. I am going to miss them and I hope they will develop in the smart boys they start to be.
I don't want to cry anymore but it tears my put when I think about all the support I've got. Not only my family and friends. Everyone helped my or at least tried to. Everyone in InterExchange who sent their LC a message, you truly are an amazing human being. For you it might be normal to help someone out. For my you are a hero. I might have felt bad but the amount of support was huge. It kept me strong without noticing.
Never do I want anyone to get trough this. If you are, try to be stronger than I was. That might be the thing that I want to tell to myself, two weeks ago. To the once who are, and sadly I do know some, YOU ARE STRONG AND IT WILL ONLY GET BETTER. Yes, everyone told me that but I didn't believe it. SO PLEASE BELIEVE ME, YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT
I'll update you a bit more this time, I'll promise that. Thanks!
Transition basically means that you have two weeks to find a new family. The family and I decided that together. I don't really know how to explain it because I don't want to tell to much. I can't say that I had a hard time working but the circumstances were not working out for me and not for them. So at the end of February it was too much. It's weird because, yes I went in rematch, but no there was no fight or whatever. I've heard worse stories from girls in rematch. I've never felt rejected or sent away by the family and there is never been a fight. It just didn't work out for us, together.
The two weeks might have been one of the thoughts weeks of my life so far. If there was no match at the end of those weeks I had to go home. Back to Holland, adventure over! I've never felt more insecure. You can be insecure about a lot of thing; about the way you look, talk or think. But I was extremely insecure about my dream. Was this what I wanted. Did I made this dream up. Was this what I really wanted? Not only that was super though to go through because it was and still is. The fact that I didn't knew were I was going to be in 14 days broke me down. In those 14 nights I've been sleeping properly maybe 5 times. And only because I was so exhausted from being up all night, the night before. Sometimes I started crying out of nowhere while playing with the kids. My nerves were super tensed for the whole two weeks. My hand, back and shoulder did hurt badly. Actually all my nerves were tensed. I was been able the wake up in the middle of the night and than I would break down. Crying and being scared. Wishing to know were I was scared of. Wishing there was a monster in my closet that jumped out of there and that all of this was over. But that was not were I was scared of. Honestly I didn't even knew were I was scared of.
There were some families but I didn't work out for them or for me. Friday, only 3 days in transition left, and there was still no match. I knew I was going to go home. Every moment I was alone I started crying and breaking down. The pain I felt seeing my dream break in several pieces was enormous. In the mean time my body had been in the tense circumstances for almost two weeks and I was exhausted and felt weak. I couldn't fight anymore and I didn't knew how to explain it to everyone. How was I been able to step in the airplane and arrive in Amsterdam with this story. I failed.
Friday 4pm and I was done working so I opened my laptop to see if I got a mail. I can't remember checking my e-mail that many times on a day as I did back then. Refreshing every 10 minutes. I had to get a mail, I needed it and I did. There was an e-mail. It said that there was a family interested and that this was the last possible family. So it basically meant that if this family didn't like me or I didn't like them,I had to go home.
So I got in contact with them and they liked me and I liked them. What do I tell here? I don't even know. I was in the middle of a huge breakdown. I was not been able to go from the bottom to the top in a few minutes. The way I felt back then was awful. I had to go through a lot of crap and being happy just didn't existed in my dictionary at that moment. But from the inside there grew a little joy, but it grew slowly. So on saturday that little joy was still a little bit to little. Skyping with basically everyone I needed. Ending one conversation and starting a new one. That little joy needed to grow. My face was totally screwed by crying, but chin up and go. I had to work and I started to make lists. I might not be clear but at this moment I wanted to go home. I wanted it, because I had such a hard time that I needed my parents to huge me, my sister to tell me I was strong and my brother to tell me that I was a loser, or maybe not. Maybe I just wanted to see him being even taller than he already was. I needed my friends to have a laugh with and I needed a big glass of wine. What I am not allowed to to drink here. So I started to make a list with pros and cons. Of course everyone was right and that list made it all clear. It made clear why I came. I made that little joy grow and finally that little joy was big. I made the decision to totally go for it. Because that was what I wanted. My family and friends, and that glass of wine, will be there for me. But it could wait.
Once again I learnt a lot about myself. Honestly, I knew all of this were parts of me. I just found out that those things were actually in my way. I needed to control them better. I am no longer a little girl. I had to fight against them. I am the only one who is been able to make 'me' a better person.
So here I am. Skipped a lot of all that happend. I am finally been able to explain it all. I have been quiet for a month and I am sorry about that. I didn't want to upload a sad blog. Although most of what I wrote it pretty bad. It is over. The transition is over.
The last family and I matched. We matched in my last day in transition. I've packed my bags and I'm about to leave Merrick. Tomorrow I'll take the train to Washington DC. My adventure starts all over again. After three months I'll be ending this one. These months have been a huge lesson and I'll never forget them. The family and I might have not been the perfect match but I am thankful. They gave me opportunity to come and live with them. So if you read this because you might be curious what I wrote about you. I will not write anything bad about you and your boys. I am going to miss them and I hope they will develop in the smart boys they start to be.
I don't want to cry anymore but it tears my put when I think about all the support I've got. Not only my family and friends. Everyone helped my or at least tried to. Everyone in InterExchange who sent their LC a message, you truly are an amazing human being. For you it might be normal to help someone out. For my you are a hero. I might have felt bad but the amount of support was huge. It kept me strong without noticing.
Never do I want anyone to get trough this. If you are, try to be stronger than I was. That might be the thing that I want to tell to myself, two weeks ago. To the once who are, and sadly I do know some, YOU ARE STRONG AND IT WILL ONLY GET BETTER. Yes, everyone told me that but I didn't believe it. SO PLEASE BELIEVE ME, YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT
I'll update you a bit more this time, I'll promise that. Thanks!
Hee nienke, wat een mooi blog. Ik kan me met zo veel ervan identificeren. Hoe moeilijk het is, maar dat je eigenlijk niet weet wat je moeilijk vind... Ik vind het onwijs knap dat je het door hebt kunnen komen! Dat je er zo sterk uit bent gekomen en dat je het gewoon opnieuw gaat proberen. And it probably will become a great adventure! Heel veel geluk en sterkte bij je nieuwe gezin! x Joosje
ReplyDeleteDankjewel!!
DeleteNice! ;-)) Maby this will be a NEW better begining.. ;-))
ReplyDeleteCross my fingers for you! ;) good luck! and stay strong!
Thank you Arek! I'm going to make the best out if it !!! :)
ReplyDeleteLieve nienke,
ReplyDeleteWat een week heb je achter de rug. We ( eef en ik en onze kids) hadden zo naar je toe willen vliegen zaterdag, voor een huk, om te zeggen dat je verder kunt, om te zeggen hoe een mooi mens je bent, om je vertrouwen te geven. je hebt zelf de beslissing genomen. Geweldig. Ga geniet van wat nu is met de ervaring van de afgelopen 3 maanden. To day is the first day of your new life
Elke dag is er een kasn om opnieuw te beginnen. Ik weet zeker dat je die kansen nu ziet. knuffel van ons uit Heemstede