I have been all over the place with what I wanted. The other options I had were for me to stay for 6,9 or 12 more months. That could be in the current family I am in or I could find a new one. I was in decidable for a really long time. The fist time I started to think about extending was in month 5. That was my second month in my current family. That is kind of extreme. It felt like I just arrived and everyone was already asking me if I knew if I wanted to stay longer. Until a few weeks ago I might not have had sleepless nights about it, but they gradually came. Nights I was doubting about what I REALLY wanted. How could I decided this for myself. Mam, Dad? I have skyped my parents way to much. For them it might not feel like that though. Well that was I felt, Nienke grow up, you are 20 now! Make your own decisions they wouldn't anymore.
For the longest time I wanted to say. Only 6 months. That has a reason. You might know that I only graduated High School and I want to do something with the degree I have. I want to go back to school after the summer of 2015. So the option I gave myself was 6 more months in the USA. I felt great with that though. I was happy now that I "decided" that. What? no, I did not actually decided that. I think that for approximately 3 months I was pretty sure I was going to do that. I really wanted to go to the west coast to stay with an other family. For a new experience. For new adventures.
It was up until a moment that someone told me that it might not be possible to find a new family for just 6 months. That made me rethink that I might prefer to stay with my current family. Not a bad idea at all. Why making it hard when it can be so much more easier. I was loving these girls more each day. The connection between them and me grew and I was been able to control them better than ever before. I was getting use to the idea of staying with this family.
All of a sudden one day, one moment in that day and that plan faded away. From being 80% sure staying in the states to 80% sure about going away. I cried about it, a ton. How could I do that to myself? How could I make my plans fade away so easily? The answer to that wasn't too hard to find. I wanted to move on. Wanted to see more and learn new things. Yes I love these girls a lot and my schedule fits me perfectly. I felt there was a stagnation going on in my life. When I get that feeling I get really, really anxious. Without noticing that feeling creeped in on me over time. It only needed a smal touch in order to come to the surface.
I was so confused. Though overall I was relieved. I knew I was going to have an other great 6 months here, but I couldn't come to 100% security. As soon as the tide turned I knew it was the best choice to go. I wrote letters to myself, made pro's and con's and spook to my family and friends. I was right. As the 80% became 85 and everyday the percentage grew. It got to the point I reached 98%. Up until today I switch between 99 and 98. How can you be 100% sure you want to leave a family you started to love or friends I made over time. But it was enough for me to realize that I wanted to go back home for Christmas. Not that that was a reason to go, but it is a huge plus that I get to celebrate that with my own family.
I am super excited for the time I still have. Every day is a new one. Today the sun disappeared and swimming pools are turning up on the side of the roads. Lightning strikes and the thunder is extremely loud, well I am not complaining. I secretly like these kind of rainy days. This weekend I am going to see two friends in Denver. I flight in on Friday night and will leave Sunday evening. It is a 3,5h flight, but I couldn't be bordered. I really wanted to go and so I booked.
The decision is hard, but the one I made is perfect. I got new opportunities and I can not wait to grab those once. It was better for me to move on. For others it is way more fun to stay for an other couple of months. I listened to what my feelings told me. Than I listed it to see if those feelings were right. I went through them over and over again. I can not stop smiling now that I know what I am going to do the next few months. It is going to be amazing. I will definably let some tears fall down, but I know it is good. This adventure is mine, I can't believe it. This is my dream and I will not stop dreaming any time soon!
